Today was the first time I took a bath in years, it was pleasant. I ran today as if I was running away from everything, I felt so relieved and almost free. Something's not letting me go and it's holding me back from releasing everything and finally "starting over". Josephine. I didn't actually explain myself for why I was so angry at her and why it all had to come to an end. I though I was done with all that.

When I had my first emotional and physical relationship with a girl. That girl, I really liked her and I thought she really liked me too. Then there's was someone else, there always is. It was some guy. It angered me so much, though I didn't tell her because I didn't want to ruin what we had, I was ok with how things were and it's not like we were "official". It hurt me though, that she was thinking about other people like that and I wasn't. I was only focusing on her and giving her all of me. I hated her for that so I ended everything. I didn't trust and felt the same about people after that, I wasn't easily fooled or impressed. She changed me into a different person. I didn't have romantic relationships, though I had a relationship with Izzy (Ivy) and she changed me again. I had a soft spot for her and she meant so much to me. I was like obsessed with her. She was so beautiful but yet so fragile and she wanted and needed me and ONLY me. I actually did like her, unlike everyone else but I lost sight of her for a moment and everything turned black again. Time passed and I could never get her out of my mind, I missed her and wanted her back so much. She disappeared and it all got so complicated. I knew from the start it was nothing serious and would end eventually but I never had the thought of how badly it would affect me. Later on someone else tried to come into my life and did. I didn't think much of Josephine at first because I was still hung over Ivy. I was nice to Josephine and whatnot and I was very lonely and sad. As we got to know each other more over time we got along quite well. She was a good friend at first, those were such great times. I would of never thought it would turn out that way. We talked to each other everyday and never really did get bored of it at first. She told me she loved me and well in a romantic sense. I could sort of tell too somehow but I tried to not think of it much because she meant something special to me but more of in a friend sense of way and honestly I just thought she was lonely, just like me. Though she thought I was brushing off her feelings for me like a joke, I actually wasn't. I was just seeing and waiting where they would lead and if they were true. They obviously weren't. They fucking weren't. She meets some guy, fucks her up and thinks it's okay to just fucking use me and talk to me whenever the fuck she feels like it. I wouldn't take that. She thinks she was so many other things but really she just wanted an excuse. It was driving me insane and I was getting so tired of it. That whole month she didn't reply to me, I was wasting my time worrying about her. Being all depressing and whatnot, I thought she'd done something hectic, but no, she's with that fucking guy. After telling me it was to take time off from everyone and improve. She just became so unworthy of everything. She lied to me and done all that after telling me she had these feelings me? It felt like betrayal but not to her, she found someone else to distract herself in and thinks its okay to brush me off like nothing. UGH FUCK. Fuck! just the thought of it again makes me so fucking angry again. But it's not like she was different, I knew that. She didn't think on her own, she doesn't live life how she wants to. Arrogant and selfish is how she came out to be known as. I really don't waste time thinking about her at all nowadays but that betrayal of her really fucking pisses me off. She is a total new different person now than the one I used to know. I miss that old sincere and honest personality of hers. She's no one special anymore and I guess she really thinks she's someone now. Though when I think that if she could of just proved me wrong and waited, I could of returned her feelings perhaps. It wasn't true love, it probably wasn't love at all. We both went our separate ways now. I'm moving on, I just wanted to let it go somewhere. It's just stuck in my mind but I still feel I didn't really get to the point here. I wanted to show her the world, I wanted to take care of her and cherish her. I knew it wasn't going to happen but it was fun to pretend it could. It gives you a bit of hope. I really don't know what I wanted to do with her or wanted from her. I just wanted someone to nurture. I like to help, but she abused it. I don't know but I guess I liked her a bit and perhaps I could of loved her in that sense she did and it would of been very pleasant. I still like that pretty girl I used to stay up all night talking to. I really did like her back then now that I think of it, it's not like you can have these feelings for just anyone. I'll miss her, but it's time for me to move on and throw all those memories and things away. I'm not the type to keep things if the person doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I just finally let go and an able to throw it all away like garbage. I'm the cold person here and well maybe it was my fault for not being so thoughtful for her feelings and trying to love her back. I'm sorry, I'm just so fucked up. I couldn't do it. Not when I fear it. Maybe if I did try it wouldn't of ended like this again and could of proved me wrong and gave you a chance, gave me hope and happiness. She was such a lost girl, not knowing what she's doing most of the time and making things so much more complicated than they never or ever were. It's fine I guess because she obviously wasn't the one for me. I won't give up, I'll eventually meet someone, I'm hoping and will definitely live a happily fulfilled life. We both moved on I hope and well good and the best luck to both of us. We should find and have true happiness and love in a matter of time. I wish I could of told her this when I spoke to her for the last time but I was so fucking angry. I speak too much in anger. I say such things when I'm mad that I don't usually think when I'm not.
Well whatever right? I feel so much better now, yeah. Got to keep on going.