Yesterday I walked for countless of hours and to places I didn't know. In the end, all I wanted to do was go back to my room. I did it all to go away from that place but all I wanted was to go back and sleep endless dreams. Lately my dreams have been so wonderfully pleasant and whimsical that it's hard for me to get up or out. All I want to do now is sleep, to return to that peaceful world of mine. It's my ecstasy, but it makes me even more sad when I wake up realizing they were only dreams. I don't need to go out and try to find a happy place so far away. I already have one and it's been in me the whole time. Even though I went back, I couldn't fall asleep. It felt like a sort punishment, not being able to get what I want when I already have it, just a bit out of my reach. I didn't feel sad though, even though I was still alone after returning. I sat there and ate by myself in the quiet dark house, alone. Nothing new. There would be laughter once in a while and I looked for someone to share the moment with but no one was there. I knew I was alone but I still wanted someone to be there with me, to just appear and make everything seem better. I also tried to get help. They had problems, only common ones that are easy to fix. There was none I could relate to and they seemed only for people who are simply extremely weak. They're just wasting their time on those pointless things. I felt so different and not in a good way. I felt like I was doomed for what I have. Like a lock I could never open to the cage I was kept in, unless that person with the key came and decided to finally unlock me. I wouldn't cry out for help or beg to be freed from that cage, I would just wait. Perhaps that's why I wasn't freed right away and they finally got bored or just didn't notice me and forgot and then finally took me out of there. There wasn't something or someone that could help me. There is no hope for me, I have to go through this alone. I'm so ashamed of myself and my past. There is no way I could let anyone know and feel good about it. I don't want to be seen as my past. I wish I could hide or run away from myself, but I can't. It won't even disappear or change because it's inside me, it is me. If I killed myself, it still wouldn't make a difference. It would just remain as my deepest and darkest secrets that will never be told or known. I question myself so much. I think so many people make things difficult for themselves out of nothing and useless matters. Though here I am with this dark thing taking over inside me. Does my past really matter? My past haunts me. I tried to forget it but I also forgot the good memories.The ones I can never get back. I've repressed so many memories that it's become quite unhealthy. It won't let me forget. I think it enjoys my pain, sadness, and loneliness. I think it wants me to remain this way until the day I die. I won't let it. I'll continue to lie to myself that I have a fine life or will in the future. I'll just continue to hurt and wait just for that time to come.

I thought that all abandoned things waited for the hand that would save them. I believed this because I was also hoping to be saved myself.